Jerry, you need to find god
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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