I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
