I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
