I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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