He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
