I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
