now i know why i became what i already was.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
