She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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