My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
