So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
