I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
