I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
