i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
