Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
