she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
