put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
