I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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