im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
