I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
