my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
