At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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