my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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