so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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