its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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