Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
