you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
