Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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