don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
