My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
