You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Less talking, more tequila
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
