it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
