I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
