Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
