Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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