Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
