Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
