You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
