Someone shit on the floor
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize