Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Soap is not a condiment
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
