My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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