She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
