You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
