Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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