Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
