He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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