My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
