You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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