How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
