First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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