paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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