great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
