dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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