I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
