I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
