I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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