He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
