She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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