I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
