How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
